At last!! He had done it!! After years and years of slaving and saving, Van had bought his new Harley. And what a machine it was! All chromed springer front, solid rear with 100 spoke wheels and a really great flamed paint job.
To the great surprise of all, on Sunday Van rode his new Harley down the aisle and into the front of his local NGK Kerk and parked it right smack bang in front of the alter. Now Van is a very unpredictable and temperamental fellow, so the Dominee and the deacons considered bet to just keep quiet. It was probably a case of typical Van Der Merwe show casing after all. Vans fellow parishioners likewise decided that none of them would be the one to query the bike in Church debacle.
After the morning service, with much aplomb, (and relief on Dominee Van Rensburg's part) Van climbed aboard his beautiful steed and rode it out of the Church.
At 6pm that evening the faithful returned to worship and fellowship...........and Van parked his new Harley right in the front of the Church again! What was even more unusual was Van attending the morning and evening services! His usual attendance was a tardy onc a month. This new turn of events rather pleased the Dominee, but the Harley in Church scenario was becoming a concern. What would happen if the other congregant bikers followed suit? Clearly, he would have to have a friendly chat with Van, and determined to do so right after the service. He instructed the senior deacon, Piet Pogenpol to ask van to meet with him later that evening.
Van arrived at Dominee Van Rensburgs house at 8pm and enjoyed a cup of coffee and a rusk whilst waiting. The Dominee joined him shortly and congratulated the man on acquiring the beautiful Harley Davidson. Van was very pleased indeed at the praise of his pride and joy.
"Tell me"" the Dominee said, "Why do you bring your bike inside the Church building, you know that our car guards will look after it for you" Van was surprised at the question. "Didn't jou ever bought a new bakkie or car Dominee" he asked? "Ja, of course I have" replied the Dominee, "but i never parked them inside the Church" "So you was lucky that your bakkie never frekked or had a problem "said Van, "because the Sales Manager at Harley Davidson personalty told me that if my new bike misses even one service then it didn't got a guarantee!"
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
DON'T PICK YOUR NOSE!
Van Der Merwe's oldest son Kobus had been rushed to hospital suffering from a condition that baffled - and STARTLED! - even the most experienced Doctors. Dr Perreira (ex Cuba) had been called in to examine Kobus as it was widely held that due to difficult economic times and sub standard hygiene, Cuba probably had more than it's fair share of unusual ailments manifesting.
But Dr. Perreira was baffled, he too had never seen anything like this. With a mixture of hand signals and 'pidgin' English he managed to convey to his South African colleagues 'NO COMPRHENDO IL PROBLEMO' The senior local Doctor - Dr aykonaas - who had graduated from medical school in Harare, Zimbabwe - was rather concerned. What was it that had afflicted this 32 year old Boer? Who has ever seen symptoms like this? Could this even be treated? HE commented:EISH!" "oh oh oh oh" (Roughly translated means: " Oh my goodness" )
Not only did young Van Der Merwe have almost total memory loss - which his family had told doctors had been an on going process for at least 20 years - but his IQ had literally dropped to that of a four year old child! But - MOST STARTLING OF ALL - seventy five percent of his head had caved in and his skull shape was almost like a plate!! Almost everyone was baffled. Even intense research on the internet produced little in the way of information.
But Kobus's Ma had the answer, she knew what had happened . In her own words: "Ja, I told Kobus nearly every day that if he picked so much stuff out of his nose then his kop would collapse!".
But Dr. Perreira was baffled, he too had never seen anything like this. With a mixture of hand signals and 'pidgin' English he managed to convey to his South African colleagues 'NO COMPRHENDO IL PROBLEMO' The senior local Doctor - Dr aykonaas - who had graduated from medical school in Harare, Zimbabwe - was rather concerned. What was it that had afflicted this 32 year old Boer? Who has ever seen symptoms like this? Could this even be treated? HE commented:EISH!" "oh oh oh oh" (Roughly translated means: " Oh my goodness" )
Not only did young Van Der Merwe have almost total memory loss - which his family had told doctors had been an on going process for at least 20 years - but his IQ had literally dropped to that of a four year old child! But - MOST STARTLING OF ALL - seventy five percent of his head had caved in and his skull shape was almost like a plate!! Almost everyone was baffled. Even intense research on the internet produced little in the way of information.
But Kobus's Ma had the answer, she knew what had happened . In her own words: "Ja, I told Kobus nearly every day that if he picked so much stuff out of his nose then his kop would collapse!".
Thursday, June 24, 2010
VAN DER MERWE'S NEW JOB>
Van had been job hunting for quite a while. His only real experience was farming, and he was an expert at that. But his farmlands that had been cultivated by his family for 140 years had been the subject of a land claim by the Mompara Tribe whose forbears had owned the land before Van's Oupa had bought it for ten pounds plus a rifle and a Sunday suit in 1840.
Although Van was 'paid' R1,7 million for the farm by the Government, it was only three and a half years since the transfer and he had not yet received his check. (Payment obviously takes place in 'African' time) This of course left Van and his family destitute and broke.
As the reader can appreciate, when you have a Wife, 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 3 horses and 8 dogs to care for - this is a considerable problem!
So it was with great joy and celebration that the family received the news that Van had landed a job. It was an important one too - even though it was on a contractual basis. Van poured every one a glass of his best peach mampoer and proudly told them: "Mense, I got a lekker contract with the Drolriviere municipality, and there are 11,762 people under me!" The family were so impressed! "But that is not all, the mayor Mr Keepitall Nondelivery told me that there will be more people under me every week" YISLIK, this are blerry impressive stuff hey!
Later that evening - when the festivities were over and everyone was sleeping where they had passed out - Van presented the contract top his Wife with an understandably proud flourish. She got out her best glasses that Van had bought for her at the Apteek chemist ten years before. Sure enough, Van had the contract!
Contract Between: J J S P Van Der Merwe hereinafter known as the 'Contractor'
and
Drolriviere Town Council hereinafter know as 'The nunicipalty
WHEREAS:
Mr J J S P Van Der Merwe is hereby appointed as the Municipality contractor to cut the grass in the Drolriviere Cemetery, and to tend the Graves of those interred therein. This is currently 11,672 but will of course increase at an unknown rate.
NOTE: The Municipality has had to erect a security fence around the Cemetery as people are dying to get in there.
Although Van was 'paid' R1,7 million for the farm by the Government, it was only three and a half years since the transfer and he had not yet received his check. (Payment obviously takes place in 'African' time) This of course left Van and his family destitute and broke.
As the reader can appreciate, when you have a Wife, 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 3 horses and 8 dogs to care for - this is a considerable problem!
So it was with great joy and celebration that the family received the news that Van had landed a job. It was an important one too - even though it was on a contractual basis. Van poured every one a glass of his best peach mampoer and proudly told them: "Mense, I got a lekker contract with the Drolriviere municipality, and there are 11,762 people under me!" The family were so impressed! "But that is not all, the mayor Mr Keepitall Nondelivery told me that there will be more people under me every week" YISLIK, this are blerry impressive stuff hey!
Later that evening - when the festivities were over and everyone was sleeping where they had passed out - Van presented the contract top his Wife with an understandably proud flourish. She got out her best glasses that Van had bought for her at the Apteek chemist ten years before. Sure enough, Van had the contract!
Contract Between: J J S P Van Der Merwe hereinafter known as the 'Contractor'
and
Drolriviere Town Council hereinafter know as 'The nunicipalty
WHEREAS:
Mr J J S P Van Der Merwe is hereby appointed as the Municipality contractor to cut the grass in the Drolriviere Cemetery, and to tend the Graves of those interred therein. This is currently 11,672 but will of course increase at an unknown rate.
NOTE: The Municipality has had to erect a security fence around the Cemetery as people are dying to get in there.
FIFTY YEARS OF MARRIAGE!
The Van Der Merwes had been married for fifty years! Fifty years...Van couldn't believe it. He was the first to acknowledge that he was a cantankerous and difficult man' He remembered the things that he had put his wife through, like when he had been sleeping in the back of his VW Beetle and 'Vroukie' had to change the Tyre. Then there was the time he had a 'thing' for the lekker poppie who lived in Blikkiisdorp. (A small town just to the East of the Drolriviere) Sure, nothing had happened between them, but his infatuation was obvious to all who new him.
In all those fifty years Van had never bought a flower or even a box of chocolates for his wife, and tell her that he loves her? Nee Boet, that is not what a man does. Besides that, Van snored most of the night away, and all the boerwaors and biltong he ate caused him to fart to the extent that Van and farting were synonymous! Yet here she was, still beside him after fifty - often trying - years. A mother and Grandmother supreme.
On their anniversary day Van took his vrou out for a special treat to the Voortrekker monument in Pretoria. He was so excited that he kept it as a secret until they were there, because he wanted to see the joy and excitement in her eyes when she realized where they would be spending this special day.
After a lekker lunch of Steak, boerwors, lamp chops, pork chops .pap, eggs and chips the couple sat down in the gardens to relax and reflect - and alsoso that Van's farting did not annoy other people visiting the monument.
Reflecting on his wife's patience and her wonderful loving attitude which had characterized their entire married life, he thought to ask her how she had always maintained such goodness, despite his often crude and vulgar behavior.So he asked her straight out: "Skat, how come you wasn't a vroue what ran off when ek didn't knew how to behaves?" She replied: "Mannetjie, when you are acting like a po#ph#le then I just go and clean the toilet" "Claen the toilet" Van exclaimed, "How does that help?" (Juslik he thought, my ou goose is getting a bit soft in the Kop! ) "You see van, when I clean the toilet I use your toothbrush....."
In all those fifty years Van had never bought a flower or even a box of chocolates for his wife, and tell her that he loves her? Nee Boet, that is not what a man does. Besides that, Van snored most of the night away, and all the boerwaors and biltong he ate caused him to fart to the extent that Van and farting were synonymous! Yet here she was, still beside him after fifty - often trying - years. A mother and Grandmother supreme.
On their anniversary day Van took his vrou out for a special treat to the Voortrekker monument in Pretoria. He was so excited that he kept it as a secret until they were there, because he wanted to see the joy and excitement in her eyes when she realized where they would be spending this special day.
After a lekker lunch of Steak, boerwors, lamp chops, pork chops .pap, eggs and chips the couple sat down in the gardens to relax and reflect - and alsoso that Van's farting did not annoy other people visiting the monument.
Reflecting on his wife's patience and her wonderful loving attitude which had characterized their entire married life, he thought to ask her how she had always maintained such goodness, despite his often crude and vulgar behavior.So he asked her straight out: "Skat, how come you wasn't a vroue what ran off when ek didn't knew how to behaves?" She replied: "Mannetjie, when you are acting like a po#ph#le then I just go and clean the toilet" "Claen the toilet" Van exclaimed, "How does that help?" (Juslik he thought, my ou goose is getting a bit soft in the Kop! ) "You see van, when I clean the toilet I use your toothbrush....."
Sunday, June 20, 2010
THE PRESIDENT AND THE PARROT.
The night of the award arrived and all the African big-wigs duly arrived for the event. Van was present due to his status as a freelance reporter that specialized in covering stories of the rich and famous of Africa.
The award was handed over after a short speech by Africa's famous astronaut I M Moontoo. When the crowd were shown the award they were stunned into silence , even forgetting about the marvelous meal of Sadza and nyama spread before them. (A delicious starter course of mopani worms had already been served)
The award was a beautiful Kariba green parrot name Chiwenga. It is well known that the President has a liking for unusual living creatures, as he already had a prime breeding pair of Nile crocodiles. But Chiwenga was a very special parrot - He could actually talk 25 languages, including Japanese and English. World experts put the value of this bird at over $1,000,000 US, which is more than Mrs. Makalottakakka spends in a day when she and her children are in Europe on their annual 10 month holiday!
The President humbly and gratefully thanked all concerned, and agreed that Van should interview him in seven days time to ask the President's feelings about the great awards and honors he had received in his lifetime. (This award was so important to President Makalottakakka that he had taken time off from supervising the bulldozing down of the houses of people that voted against him in the recent elections he had lost.)
True to his word, the President met Van for the interview. Van opened the interview with this question :"Mr President, what do you think of Chiwenga your Million dollar Parrot? " President Makalottakakka smiled with unconcealed joy as he he thought about how he had been honored by this irreplaceable one of a kind gift. "It was delicious he replied..........."
ONE LINERS
VAN DER MERWE'S HISTORY EXAM
Q? How many great men and women can you list that were born in South Africa?
A!Van,s answer - after much considered thought - No great men or womwn were born in South African, only babies (HA! Trick question)
When Van Der Merwe was born he was so ugly the doctor slapped his mother!
Van's Philosophy: When facing a problem take the bull by the tail and look the problem straight in the eye
Van's Recommended Reading:
o Spots on the wall Author; Who flungdung
o At The Bottom of the Mountain. Author: Ilean Toofa
o The Yellow River. Author. I.P.Long
o Mystery of the Rusty Bed-springs. Author: I.P.Knightly
o 30 Years in the Saddle. Author: Major I.A Bumsore.
ANIMAL HUSBANDRY TIPS:
To Treat a sick pig use Oinkment - For a sick cow use Mooti - and for a bird use tweetment.
Q? How many great men and women can you list that were born in South Africa?
A!Van,s answer - after much considered thought - No great men or womwn were born in South African, only babies (HA! Trick question)
When Van Der Merwe was born he was so ugly the doctor slapped his mother!
Van's Philosophy: When facing a problem take the bull by the tail and look the problem straight in the eye
Van's Recommended Reading:
o Spots on the wall Author; Who flungdung
o At The Bottom of the Mountain. Author: Ilean Toofa
o The Yellow River. Author. I.P.Long
o Mystery of the Rusty Bed-springs. Author: I.P.Knightly
o 30 Years in the Saddle. Author: Major I.A Bumsore.
ANIMAL HUSBANDRY TIPS:
To Treat a sick pig use Oinkment - For a sick cow use Mooti - and for a bird use tweetment.
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